Wednesday, May 12, 2010

In all honesty...

In all honesty, lately I’ve lost some of the passion about our upcoming adoption, and I’m wondering if others ever go through the same thing. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true.  It’s not that I don’t still feel called to adopt, or that the need is somehow smaller, or that I am having “second thoughts” about adopting. I think that the “process” has overwhelmed me (or perhaps “distracted” is a better term than overwhelmed), and I've just lost some of the excitement and anticipation that I felt before.

Anyone who has adopted knows that there is a seemingly unending list of things to “do”. Fill out papers. Send them off. Wait for them to be  _(fill in the blank)_ed by someone and sent back. There is so much “list-checking” and filling out and gathering of documents and signing and waiting… and then, to top it all off, there’s the money. None of this would seem like it would be a big deal to me, since Michael is the one who has been filling out all the papers and taking care of paying the bills, but strangely it is.

I think the part that has gotten to me most is the money. (I haven’t told Michael this yet, and he is probably shocked to read that I have been worried about the money, because according to Dave Ramsey, he’s the “nerd” and I’m the “free spirit”- and I’m a really “good” one, at that!) I KNOW God ALREADY has it all worked out. I do know that!  He promised to take care of that one morning on my walk. (See “Our Story” page.) But for some reason I’m kind of freaking out about it. That’s another thing – I usually have a pretty easy time trusting God to do what He said He’ll do. So, why is this one getting to me?

I’ve been trying to figure out the answer to that question, and I think it’s that I’ve been so distracted by “making” it all happen that I haven’t been trusting God to “make it happen”. I’ve got to give this back to Him. He gave us this dream, this adventure, and I personally have taken over it as if it were “my” dream and “my” adventure.

When I first started the blog, I would always check the Ethiopia time clock and try to figure out what our kids might be doing at that time of day in Ethiopia. I realized today that I hadn’t done that in a while.  Then I realized that I haven’t been praying for any of our children as much as I have been praying about the money. (I am ashamed.)

But no more. I am praying for our children – both the ones who live in our home already and the ones who will come home later. I am praying for Michael and for myself as God prepares us for what is to come. And I am praying that God would handle the details and that I would just stay out of the way! I am giving this back to Him. Amen!
Note: By the time I finished writing this, I really had given it all back to God, and He had given me back my excitement and my passion about our adoption. :)  I am no longer "stressing" about things.  It's God's plan and His timing and His money.  I just wanted to share it anyway...


Anonymous said...

Melinda, Thanks for your transparency...I feel that is one thing that is desperately missing in the Christian journey that we are on.
Christians who are brave enough to admit that they have doubts and struggles and to take off the "everything is perfect" masks that we wear. I am praying for your family as you continue this adoption journey. You (and Michael) are an inspiration to me and alot of others.
God Bless...Linda

James (Randy), Kim, Tyler, and Garrett said...

Hey friend, I think what you described is a picture of the spiritual journey of many. We start out hard and fast towards the prize, then the all of the worries of the world comes in and our pace slows down and sometimes we just quit. Whether it´s adoption or going to the mission field or just believing God for the salvation of someone...perseverance is a necessity for those who finish strong in this race. We have to guard against those same feelings where we are...just know you´re not alone. We love you guys and are praying!!!